I recently lost my dad May 16 after police had to bust down his back metal door and frame during a wellness check became they heard my dads fur babies crying and howling and they found him deceased on the floor, coroners concluded he had been ad two days. I never got to tell him I loved him and forgave him because of his rage and abuse and drunkenness after he lost his big brother my uncle Wayne it was the last loss he could handle and so he gave up living then and for six months drank rye all the time was full of rage left a horrible voicemail for me at 4:30 in the morning and that is the last contact I had from him because I had a major mental breakdown that led to a stroke which left me unable to stand or walk on my own, then there was another stroke then a month later a seizure 15 min long that if my boyfriend wasn’t here I would’ve died and right in the middle of it my fur baby KoKo jumped right on me and laid on my chest and tummy until the seizure was done, then I lost my dad, then shortly after I was rushed to hospital, lights, sirens, speeding and a 15 medical care team waiting to jump right in and take care of me as soon as they got me to the hospital because my body went into uncontrollable convulsions which took three days and many iv meds and needles to finally get them under control and there are no answers to be found. Since losing my dad his own siblings told me unspeakable evil things my dad did and a number of family members have hurt me and tore me down telling me things like I only care about myself, that I’ve been nothing but a horrible person my whole life never mentioning anything about my two oldest sisters, they even said I never deserved to be a mom because I was never a good mom which was a lie. God knows I was doing everything my children needed especially with my son Austin who was diagnosed at 1 with severe autism. I don’t know why but just like my entire life everything that was good was stolen and that’s what happened with my children, God knows I never ever hurt or neglected my babies in any way and I have many witnesses but the enemy won the lies told by Children’s aid society were taken as truth and none of my legal aide lawyers fought for us. The final day of court though the judge who should’ve refused himself from the very beginning because of conflict of interest because before he was judge he was head of children’s aid society where me and my children attended programs and my kids and I always said hi to him and so he knew us well. But that final day he was actually going to give all five of my children back to me, my youngest had been taken from me 2 days old from hospital right in the middle of breastfeeding I asked why they said because they can. But anyways my own flesh and blood older sister whom was always jealous of me and my kids testified against me on the other family’s side saying every lie they wanted her to say and the judge changed his mind. I left the court that day totally rock bottom and screaming and crying in agony just like now but back then I yelled and screamed out of pain and anger that I hated God. I didn’t mean it but my whole life since being born 3 months premature back in 72 weight 1 pound 3 ounces fit in palm of my dad’s hand but the drs and specialists told my parents to spend as much time with me as they could because I wasn’t expected to live past four days, but I did, and after all the evil, pain,beatings, abusive relationships, loss, suicide attempts, mental illnesses, but still remaining hopeful and faithful loving God, but when all the bad in my life happened from childhood right up to today, I prayed and prayed screaming for Him to save me but that never came and I don’t know why? Why am I here? What have I done so wrong besides my alcoholism that started at 14 when I ran for my life away from my dad’s home because his wife was going to kill me. She hated me from day one because she was jealous I was daddy’s girl which she couldn’t seem to grasp that the love between a father and a child and a couple were totally different loves, she beat me constantly almost to death the time my dad was gone for two weeks for training for work for Ford a new crown Vic coming off the line. So as I’m again at the lowest of low but not drinking or anything, having my family against me and feels like they have brought the sins of my father on me and all I see and feel is pain agony darkness heartache, rock bottom mental breakdown for two days now and wonder does God hate me? What have I done so wrong to deserve the horrible life I’ve had and am still having. Why can’t I see or feel His love, mercy, grace, protection, and most importantly His presence in my life?no matter how much I pray or praise, but have hard time getting into the Word because I don’t want to misinterpret what is being said or taught. Please help me? Ask God to please come into my heart my house my family that are not blood, because I don’t think my huge actual family will be any different, I need protection and Spiritual Warfare from Jesus against the devil because for some unknown reason he is beating me big time no matter how hard I try to fight with prayers and praise and muster whatever amount of faith I can admits the shameful doubt. I need a miracle, Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically and relationships and family supports because every single are in my life and all of me are under un surmountable attacks. Thank you and sorry for the long message. I do love and trust God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit I just can’t feel or see them in my life.
Return to Prayers for Healing