I don’t even know where to start…For so long I had turned my back. I am nervous and still have doubts but want to believe again. I’m inspired by the kindness of Christians; their love, desire to help others and certainty in God. Their decency and goodness – that I see at least in such a better light – compared to atheists and their (my) arrogance. It has been a very slow return. I have been away a long time. A long time! Decades. Even writing this is a huge leap for me. I don’t even know what I’m expecting; certainly not a sign or miracle. Life is good, much better than I ever could have realistically expected. A great marriage and a job with the title to go with it. I’m not sick, or lonely or worried and so very, very fortunate. Blessed even. Nonetheless, or even in spite of all that I’ve felt for a while and increasingly, that I’m missing something – maybe that is spirituality. I don’t really know. It doesn’t feel a huge loss but maybe significant enough for me to start exploring wanting to just be a better, more fulfilled person. All of that sounds incredibly self-centered and needy but it’s not how I feel. I guess I just feel Jesus is missing from my life and I’ve grown interested in meeting him again. I am maybe writing this because there’s something stopping me from speaking directly to him. Maybe partly doubt still (sorry, but I’m coming back as a complete non-believer) or perhaps shame (that I was so arrogant to dismiss him from my life). Again, I’m not even sure what I want from anyone here, but I do know the call to come back has grown increasingly stronger and that even a year ago I would never have sent this. Sorry for the rambling, I’m simply expressing thoughts I felt compelled to do on a site I found looking for a modern-English audio version of the bible as again, the desire to learn more and give of myself more has increasingly grown stronger.
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