I don’t even know what to ask for to be honest. I’m going through so many different things in everyday life and so much loss and suffering and can’t quiet get to the part of being obedient and ok with suffering because it’s been like this my whole life. No matter what my relationship with Jesus is. I’m that 1 sheep that just will not stay in the comfort of his grace and love but don’t realize until it’s done and I’m lost again before I realize I’ve done it AGAIN.I feel like a failure at everything and like I destroy everything I love and don’t know why or how I do It and the guilt,shame and suffering starts all over but twice as painful because at 43 I should not be here or live this way. My flesh is weak and my relationship with God is touch and go and I don’t understand why. I believe and have faith in him and he’s showed up for me every time because he IS A GOD OF AGAIN and A NOW GOD but there are more days I get worse and less days of acceptance, hope, prayer and comfort because I feel unworthy of AGAIN and each time I’m lower and lesser than the last and I am exhausted in every area of life and have nothing left in me but suffering and isolated because he says I have to do it because there is a purpose and all I can say is BUT WHAT PURPOSE do I have if I’m always on the rock bottom and weak because when I fight my way out and finally see some light I wonder back to the darkness and get lost again and I don’t want to do it anymore! I need relief from my own body and mind and I need him to make me strong and willing to fight because I don’t know how to do this and I’m tired! Why is all I can ask in my mind but my heart and soul SAY WHY NOT YOU! I’m so confused and lonely and self sabotage is going to kill me or take away everything I had to fight so hard to gain back and yet I have nothing left in me to keep it with me because my flesh refuses to stop no matter what and why and who it hurts and destroys along the way and then it’s more failure if feel and im losing. I don’t know what I need or how to ask for it so please, just pray that I keep fighting and heal COMPLETELY from all the hurt and it stops surfing over and over to take my life and joy away and that what I feel is not going to last forever but im 43 and its still hurting me. Idk what to do or how to do it because I haven’t yet even when things are good. Thank you all. Be blessed.